I made
an agreement with my twenty-one-year old son. It was one of those agreements where everyone wins. Everyone is right. And there is personal reward for both people.
I began to notice that sometimes, in reaction to something he said or did, my voice tone would be judgmental, blaming, frustrated or disrespectful. I was aware that I do not talk that way to other people.
My son, in reaction, would quite naturally, react with a tone of explanation or defense, probably feeling wrong. These mini-conflicts stood out as a pattern, an unnecessary one. I wanted to change the pattern. I suggested a fun mutual agreement. “I give you a dollar,” I suggested, “each time my voice tone is frustrated, blaming or disrespectful. And you give me a dollar any time you defend yourself, or instinctively defer to me."
He agreed. Weeks later, no one owes anything to the other. Now I immediately notice my "reacting" tone of voice in the first sentence, and he instinctively notices his defending or apologetic tone about to happen. We then simply stop and smile instead.
We relax smile and no conflict happens. We don't go there anymore. I "get to" remember to speak to him the same way I speak to others. And he hears his defensive tone, before itis spoken. It is this simple. We play instead..
I began to notice that sometimes, in reaction to something he said or did, my voice tone would be judgmental, blaming, frustrated or disrespectful. I was aware that I do not talk that way to other people.
My son, in reaction, would quite naturally, react with a tone of explanation or defense, probably feeling wrong. These mini-conflicts stood out as a pattern, an unnecessary one. I wanted to change the pattern. I suggested a fun mutual agreement. “I give you a dollar,” I suggested, “each time my voice tone is frustrated, blaming or disrespectful. And you give me a dollar any time you defend yourself, or instinctively defer to me."
He agreed. Weeks later, no one owes anything to the other. Now I immediately notice my "reacting" tone of voice in the first sentence, and he instinctively notices his defending or apologetic tone about to happen. We then simply stop and smile instead.
We relax smile and no conflict happens. We don't go there anymore. I "get to" remember to speak to him the same way I speak to others. And he hears his defensive tone, before itis spoken. It is this simple. We play instead..
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