NOTHING IS WRONG: I WANT TO PLAY

Justin is seven-years-old and lives in Somerset, England, with his mum and dad and brother. Louise, his mum, emails me weekly, and calls once a month.  How we discovered each other is secondary to what she recently shared with me. 

Louise and her husband Jon, had been frustrated, with their young son Justin, constantly hitting them when he walked by.  He had been doing this for many months with no explanation.  Jon often reacted angrily, and in frustration, would punish seven-year old Justin. 

Over the months, she wondered what she could do to stop his hitting.....which physically hurt.  The family was in conflict with each other over how to treat Justin.  They thought of taking him for psychological help....wanting to fix him and make him better.  Friends suggested that Justin needed professional help.  Louise discovered the answer. The difficulty was not with Justin, but with she and her husband. 

After the last hitting spree, she calmed herself, found her neutral voice, and instead of reacting, she wondered what could be right about this ongoing pattern? 

In a quiet and calm moment, finding her own sense of wonder, she asked Justin, "What can I say or do when you hit me?"   Justin sat back with a sense of relief.   "Your voice. It's angry."
 
"Is there something I can do differently," she asked. "Yes, Play." 

Louise had tears of relief.  She realized that her young son wanted to engage with her and his dad.  He wanted to play.  He wanted his parents to be in the room, when they are there, not in their minds, thinking stuff.  "It was like he was saying, when you are in your mind you are not here."   The hitting stopped.  Now they play. 

"How simple," Louise wrote me.  "He is so in his body, like most children are.  They want to feel their bodies, to move and connect with others.  That is their job.  How so very simple. Louise then turned to her husband, and said, "You want to be appreciated too, and know I appreciate you."   He cried.